PARENT-CHILD RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS-
It’s impossible to put in one article, the many ways a parent can develop an unhealthy relationship with their children. Instead, we’ll cover the main categories in an effort to find a balance between the extremes. While reading, consider your own actions and decisions with your children. You may discover you’re a better parent than you thought.
Too Hard Or Too Soft: It’s fairly easy to spot the out-of-control child-beaters but, just as harmful to the child is the domineering parent who can’t seem to stand it even when their child is quietly enjoying themselves. I remember my brother bullying and intimidating his 10-year-old son in our living room even though the boy was quietly entertaining himself and had been very polite during their long visit. It doesn’t matter whether it’s violence, religion, or some other strict discipline tactic, if children are afraid to be children…afraid of a parent, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Once they figure out their parent can’t be pleased, it can only end in no relationship.
Many don’t realize the other side of the coin, being too soft, is just as unhealthy and damaging to the child. Children need to have solid, dependable boundaries for their own security and to learn what life is like outside the home. If children always get their way, can always exhaust their parents into giving in and making exceptions, the child has much more difficulty coping with the real world. Another brother of mine tried this approach…reasoning with his 2-year-old why she shouldn’t scream in a restaurant. To be diplomatic, let me just say that her behavior hasn’t changed much even though she’s now 23. Sorry Dr. Spock, at age 2, sometimes a little slap on the behind is all they need to understand and obey…they can learn why over time.
Too Far Or Too Close: A recent trend in parenting…even house design…is the separate family. Kids live in one part of the home and parents another. They don’t even eat together. The only time the parents are seen is if it gets too loud or too quiet on the kid’s side. I knew one selfish Dad who even sent his kids to the neighbor’s house at dinner time in hopes he wouldn’t have to cook for them. Younger children need to be cuddled and loved and played with…given serious attention. Sometimes, even affectionate parents shy away from their kids when they start puberty. Kids need reassurance and affirmation when they’re going through the emotional pre-teen/early teen years. Boys need to know you see them as getting strong…girls, getting pretty. Both…getting smart! Touch, time and verbal affirmation all play a role in a healthy relationship. Being distant, absent or unaffectionate will create unhealthy parent-child relationship and unstable children.
The other side of this coin are the parents who are too close to their children. This isn’t an article on sexual abuse, but some parents who would never think of molestation are sending sexual signals to their children unintentionally. Teenage boys and girls want to know they are attractive to the opposite sex. The safe place they try this first is at home, with their parents. Look, parents, no more full-body hugs or juicy kisses after they’re 10 or so. Don’t let them wrap their legs around you or contact you anywhere near sexual areas. This is common sense but some of you need to hear it. If you let these things happen, it creates a very unhealthy relationship between you and your child. You can use shoulder hugs or “A-frame” hugs to make physical contact. By age 10, they don’t need help bathing unless they ask, and then, hopefully, someone of the same gender can assist.
There are ways to be too close that don’t include sex. Some parents feel they have to be “best friends” with their children and this works well until about age 7. After that, hopefully even before, it’s good to help your child choose appropriate friends and back off a little bit on trying to be everything for them. Don’t protect them from everything…just crippling and fatal things. Kids need to fail and be hurt to learn about life. Overprotection creates stunted growth. Being too chummy as they enter puberty creates disrespect and resentment.
Too Biased Or Too Objective: This may be the most difficult area for a parent to gauge where to stand because every situation is different. Let’s just start with some common sense…your child isn’t perfect! Children lie, abuse each other, steal, and they also make mistakes. I know one family that was dominated by their 11-year-old son, who, according to his father, could do no wrong. He would even call his father at work to tattle on…his step-Mom, whenever she made a decision he didn’t like. The father sided with the son. This is an extreme example of a parent who is too biased. Of course, it’s possible to be too biased against your child, too, with equally damaging results. Just because a kid does some bad things doesn’t make the kid bad. Being too biased for or against your child can be a very unhealthy parent-child relationship.
The other side is the parent who is so objective and interested in the interests of every party involved, so afraid to come down one side or the other, that nothing gets resolved. The kids are left to grow up in a mushy world where nothing is absolute except the bully who is smart enough to see there is no punishment for bad behavior. The kids lose respect for their parents because they know their parents are afraid to offend anyone. They also lose respect for themselves because they never get a clear idea of decisiveness or a clear right and wrong…only a World full of grey areas.
Unhealthy parent-child relationships can result equally from parents being too hard or too soft, too far or too close, too biased or too objective. Just as with work, finances and diet, balance is the key to a healthy parent-child relationship. After all, if you don’t set the example of balance, where are your kids going to learn iY
METHODS TO ENHANCE SUCH UNHEALTHY REALTIONSHIPS-
Just like with any relationship, building a positive relationship between parent and child is one that requires work and effort to make it strong and successful. Parenting is a tough job, and maintaining close relationships and open communications helps to ensure parents and their children stay connected through all ages of their upbringing. Here are 10 simple tips for enhancing the bond between parent and child.
1. Say I Love You
Tell your child you love him every day — no matter his age. Even on trying days or after a parent-child disagreement, when you don’t exactly “like your child” at that moment, it is more important than ever to express your love. A simple “I love you” goes a long way toward developing and then strengthening a relationship.
2. Teach Your Faith
Teach your child about your faith and beliefs. Tell him what you believe and why. Allow time for your child to ask questions and answer them honestly. Reinforce those teachings often.
3. Establish A Special Name Or Code Word
Create a special name for your child that is positive and special or a secret code word that you can use between each other. Use the name as a simple reinforcement of your love. The code word can be established to have special meaning between your child and you that only you two understand. This code word can even be used to extract a child from an uncomfortable situation (such as a sleepover that is not going well) without causing undue embarrassment to the child.
4. Develop And Maintain A Special Bedtime Ritual
For younger children, reading a favorite bedtime book or telling stories is a ritual that will be remembered most likely throughout their life. Older children should not be neglected either. Once children start reading, have them read a page, chapter, or short book to you. Even most teenagers still enjoy the ritual of being told goodnight in a special way by a parent–even if they don’t act like it!
5. Let Your Children Help You
Parents sometimes inadvertently miss out on opportunities to forge closer relationships by not allowing their child to help them with various tasks and chores. Unloading groceries after going to the store is a good example of something that children of most ages can and should assist with. Choosing which shoes look better with your dress lets a child know you value her opinion. Of course, if you ask, be prepared to accept and live with the choice made!
6. Play With Your Children
The key is to really play with your children. Play with dolls, ball, make believe, checkers, sing songs, or whatever is fun and interesting. It doesn’t matter what you play, just enjoy each other! Let kids see your silly side. Older kids enjoy cards, chess, computer games, while younger ones will have fun playing about anything…as long as it involves you!
7. Eat Meals As A Family
You’ve heard this before, and it really is important! Eating together sets the stage for conversation and sharing. Turn the TV off, and don’t rush through a meal. When schedules permit, really talk and enjoy one another. It can become a quality time most remembered by young and old alike.
8. Seek Out One-On-One Opportunities Often
Some parents have special nights or “standing dates” with their children to create that one-on-one opportunity. Whether it is a walk around the neighborhood, a special trip to a playground, or just a movie night with just the two of you, it is important to celebrate each child individually. Although it is more of a challenge the more children in a family, it is really achievable! Think creatively and the opportunities created will be ones that you remember in the future.
9. Respect Their Choices
You don’t have to like their mismatched shirt and shorts or love how a child has placed pictures in his room. However, it is important to respect those choices. Children reach out for independence at a young age, and parents can help to foster those decision-making skills by being supportive and even looking the other way on occasion. After all, it really is okay if a child goes to daycare with a striped green shirt and pink shorts.
10. Make Them A Priority In Your Life and ask their opinion while taking decisions
Your children need to know that you believe they are a priority in your life. Children can observe excessive stress and notice when they feel you are not paying them attention. Sometimes, part of being a parent is not worrying about the small stuff and enjoying your children. They grow up so fast, and every day is special. Take advantage of your precious time together while you have it!
